Pop Planet

This weekend my three sons were supposed to be cleaning the downstairs. As I trudged down the stairs after working diligently on the upstairs, I heard "All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, niggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!" Now, I remember watching the Bad News Bears when I was a child and somehow, I don't remember the film being quite so politically incorrect or containing the amount of swearing that I heard while rewatching bits and pieces of it this weekend.
Now, at this point, you can probably see me telling the boys to shut off the movie and get up and finish cleaning. "Help me make the day special for your mom," you might imagine me saying. Hey who am I to ruin your fantasy. So let's just say that I learned the following lessons while I watched, off and on, the original Bad News Bears (1976). I refuse to acknowledge that a remake has been made.

1. Drinking and driving didn't have the stigma in the '70s that it does today. Buttermaker is cleaning pools, drinking martinis, and drinking a six-pack, all the while driving his little league team around.

2. I remember thinking Tatum O'Neal was a babe. Now it's kind of creepy.

3. The southern California chapter of the Little League didn't have pitch counts. I think Amanda pitched just about every inning of every game they played once she joined the team.

4. Walter Matthau is comic gold. I already knew this, but it's good to refresh your memory from time to time. Who else could play this part with the right amount of grumpiness and yet still be an endearing character that you care about by the end of the film?

5. Four-year-olds are mimics. I heard mine chanting god-damn bat, god-damn bat, ....

6. Total tally for swearing

• Shit - 9
• Crud-10
• Crap-6
• Ass-12

7. The Bears don't win the championship. I totally forgot that the movie doesn't have the typical "Hollywood ending."

8. Chico's Bail Bonds is the ultimate sponsor. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.

9. Hitting your kid in front of everyone on the baseball field is wrong. Thanks for teaching me one of life's lessons.